Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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