I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She bit a glass in half.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
