I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
