I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
