Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
