All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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