I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
