last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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