can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
