you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
