I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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