you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
