I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
