i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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