I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
