worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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