I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
