At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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