Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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