my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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