Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
