Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
