i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
