Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
