Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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