haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
