my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
