I am in a vortex of obligation.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
