I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
