The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
