As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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