im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
