just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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