Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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