It was confusing and full of hummus
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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