I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
