if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
