Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
