remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
