I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
