Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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