She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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