Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
