I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
