this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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