The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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