It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
