My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
false alarm. still invincible.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
