She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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