i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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